Saturday, April 18, 2009
With Rain Comes Cleansing
Today I am 31 years old. It's raining and dreary outside, but my 1 year old is at last asleep and my bathroom and kitchen floor are finally clean, so I feel pretty good for the moment. And every moment really matters in my world. One moment I can feel like my world is going to crumble right beneath my feet, and the next moment I'll remember my "oo-ja-ee" breath and smile a little smile. So as I sit here at my dining room table, "Sex in the City" on the TV and drizzle singing behind my back, I am asking myself, "What do I really hope this 31st year of life will be like?" Not, "What do I hope it does for me, or has for me?".... But, "What's it gonna be like? What are some lasting changes that I hope to see in myself?" Well, for one, I hope that my hormones will balance out so that I can feel like a normal human being again. I'd like to be a woman who knows how to genuinely laugh. I'd like to heal my adrenals so that I can actually stay up past 10 PM. Enjoying sex again would be a nice goal. And oh how I would love to be someone who can let the little things go! Gosh, I hope to enjoy my daughter more, and resent her less! I hope to feel married again. The list of hopeful transformations is endless. But I guess the most important hope I hold for this next year is to maybe learn to love and accept myself for real. I know that's such a cliche thing to say, but it really is something I need to do for myself. I need to learn to extend myself some grace now and then and say, "It's okay that you're feeling this way, Emily." I need to let go of the past - good and not so good memories - and grasp the present. I need to slow down and enjoy where I am at in the moment. Can I do this? Seriously, this is a really, really difficult goal for me. But yeah, of course I can do it. Practice makes perfect... And although I don't want perfection to be a goal of mine, I don't ever want to give up practicing.