Saturday, April 18, 2009

With Rain Comes Cleansing

Today I am 31 years old.  It's raining and dreary outside, but my 1 year old is at last asleep and my bathroom and kitchen floor are finally clean, so I feel pretty good for the moment.  And every moment really matters in my world.  One moment I can feel like my world is going to crumble right beneath my feet, and the next moment I'll remember my "oo-ja-ee" breath and smile a little smile.  So as I sit here at my dining room table, "Sex in the City" on the TV and drizzle singing behind my back, I am asking myself, "What do I really hope this 31st year of life will be like?"  Not, "What do I hope it does for me, or has for me?".... But, "What's it gonna be like?  What are some lasting changes that I hope to see in myself?"  Well, for one, I hope that my hormones will balance out so that I can feel like a normal human being again.  I'd like to be a woman who knows how to genuinely laugh.  I'd like to heal my adrenals so that I can actually stay up past 10 PM.  Enjoying sex again would be a nice goal.  And oh how I would love to be someone who can let the little things go!  Gosh, I hope to enjoy my daughter more, and resent her less!  I hope to feel married again.  The list of hopeful transformations is endless.  But I guess the most important hope I hold for this next year is to maybe learn to love and accept myself for real.  I know that's such a cliche thing to say, but it really is something I need to do for myself.  I need to learn to extend myself some grace now and then and say, "It's okay that you're feeling this way, Emily."  I need to let go of the past - good and not so good memories - and grasp the present.  I need to slow down and enjoy where I am at in the moment.  Can I do this?  Seriously, this is a really, really difficult goal for me.  But yeah, of course I can do it.  Practice makes perfect... And although I don't want perfection to be a goal of mine, I don't ever want to give up practicing.    

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